.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

March 31, 2003

We've Got The World On A String

I have come to London, looking for Hugh Grant. He told Vanity Fair that he was ready to "settle down and breed" and I have a few eggs left in my basket this Easter. But he has eluded me by hiding out in America, where every British actor who is not in New Zealand seems to be running these days. Running away.

Hollywood is always screaming about runaway production. How do y'all think the British, the Irish, the Scottish, the Australians, the Mexicans and even the Canadians feel about Hollywood?

Forget Arnold Schwarzenegger and Franka Potente! They are back-of-the-throat pronouncing Eastern Europeans that come along as often as a blonde with a perfect all-natural body and the brains to say "no" to more than 30% of the Hollywood Creative Directory.

We have acquired Hugh Grant, Kate Winslet, Daniel Day Lewis, Kate Beckinsale, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Helena Bonham Carter, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anthony Hopkins, Pierce Brosnan, Tim Roth, Sean Connery, Catherine Zeta Jones, Ian McKellan, Patrick Stewart, Brian Cox, Bob Hoskins, Rupert Everett, Madonna, Tom Wilkinson, Rhys Ifans, Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Tim Curry, Colin Farrell, Michael Caine and Jeremy Irons from those islands over there.

I know that Hollywood is deporting some of them as we speak. Robert Carlyle was not a big enough fish. He got thrown back. Rupert Everett became borderline after Madonna got her hands on him. Jeremy Irons has been reduced to a hissing slickster. Emma Thompson started looking too much like an adult and not enough like a matron.

I know that Gwyneth and Madge just think they are from over there. But Mark Addy has played Fred Flintstone, for gosh darn sakes. He even has a sitcom on the drunk slob comedy network, CBS.

No wonder that their movie business is facing desperate times. We have not left them anyone who can sell a movie across the earth!

We stole Jim Carrey, Mike Myers and William Shatner from Canada. We have torn Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Heath Ledger, Olivia Newton John, Naomi Watts, Eric Bana, and Guy Pearce asunder from down under.

The scrumptious Gael Garcia Bernal managed to speak English almost as well as he speaks the language of painful love at the Academy Awards last weekend. Salma Hayek is already embedded with Hollywood. She's also bedded with the best thin-lipped white boy available. Her best friend, Penelope Cruz, showed more patience and waited for her misspelled namesake. This is probably a good thing because if Penelope had to tell Edward that he was genius all the time, every stick of furniture in their house would be covered in spittle.

Hollywood is raping the world of its natural human resources! We find Eric Bana, a stand-up comedian from Australia. He played a real-life murderous maniac covered in tattoos and scars in Chopper. That got him hired by a British director who cast him as an America soldier fighting locals in Mogadishu. An American division of a Japanese conglomerate financed the movie. A Chinese director who saw the movie cast Australian Eric in his story about a quiet American who has Nick Nolte as a pa and Jennifer Connelly as his gal. He also turns into a not too jolly green giant when he can't pick up his laundry without a ticket. A division of a French conglomerate that can't hold its own water finances all of that!

The British Peter Pan is being made by an Australian. The American Civil War is being recreated by a British director with a cast led by a Brit and an Australian. Thank goodness that only Americans remember the Alamo!

Why don't the British complain about Angelina Jolie playing one of theirs the way ethnic groups complain here? Why haven't they burned Missy Paltrow, whose latest disaster was directed by a Brazilian, at the stake? Why doesn't being represented as gray-skinned, bald, giant-eyed ring thieves upset these people? Why do they remain allies of America when we send them Just Married, Maid In Manhattan and The Life of David Gale? Those movies are on top of their box office queues. They should be bombing Hollywood!

The London Top 25 last week had only four films that were not from my American home. One of them was Polish/French The Pianist. Another was the British/Weinsteinian Equilibrium. One was L'Homme Du Train! Only one was a UK-made, UK-financed film from a UK actor turned director, The Magdalene Sisters. None of them did as well as Martin Lawrence in National Security. Wassup?

After just a few days on "the other continent," I have found out that I am out of style. My taste in music is ancient, even though their Pop Idol seems to be doing better than our American Idol. My money is not worth very much. Their teeth should not be blamed on the dentistry. Their teeth are just trying to get away from that awful food.

When I come home, I will have all of their stars back in my clutches! All of them! If they want Hugh Grant or Jude Law or Sir Tony, they have to come through me! They can have their slutty Liz Hurley who cannot tell who the daddy of her child is without a chemistry set and a team of reporters from Vanity Fair! Guy Pearce is the only weapon of mass destruction that I will ever need!

Now, why don't any of y'all e-mail me? I need some encouragement from home. Tell me what I'm missing! I am heading to the land of the stinking cheese tonight. I don't mean Wisconsin. Wee!

Ciao for now.

 

Email Patricia Vidal