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..Gary Dretzka
..Noah Forrest
..Leonard Klady
..R.J. Matson
..David Poland
..Douglas Pratt
..Ray Pride
..Michael Wilmington



Although Janet Jackson has done a great service to America’s comedians, talk-show hosts and editorial writers, Boob-gate has evolved from being merely a horribly ill-conceived publicity stunt, to a political time bomb waiting to explode. As such, it qualifies as a dead horse worthy of being beaten.

I’d be willing to bet that Ms. Jackson – like millions of other American citizens -- has yet to exercise her right to vote in a general election. If the pop diva has visited the polls in recent memory, however, her ballot couldn’t possibly have had more impact on the Republican agenda in this election year than the decision to expose her bejeweled nipple before an estimated audience of 89 million football fans …only a small fraction of which actually was paying attention at the time of the incident.

For sheer goofiness, alone, Jackson’s now-famous flash ranked right up there with her brother and Lisa Marie Presley’s kiss at the MTV Video Awards. Less of her breast was revealed at half-time than what’s shown on the average episode of NYPD Blue and Vegas. As fodder for legislators devoid of real issues to explore, however, it might just as well have been a “dirty bomb” sent by overnight delivery to the Super Bowl by Osama Bin Laden his own nasty self.

Justin Timberlake’s forced apology on the Grammys broadcast, notwithstanding, this tempest in a D-cup added wattage to the on-going spectacle of congressional hearings into indecent language on the nation’s airwaves. Wednesday, Viacom chief Mel Karmazin and NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue are expected to testify before the House telecommunications subcommittee – chaired by Michigan Republican Fred Upton -- on proposed legislation that would raise, by a factor of 10, broadcaster fines for violating indecency rules. (Upton's bill would raise them to $275,000 an incident, up from the current $27,500.)

No one would accuse either man of being a liberal when it comes to the loosening of moral standards in these United States, but Karmazin has more to answer for than Tagliabue, who still is trying to figure out what hit him. Apart from owning the desk at which the buck presumably stops at Viacom, Karmazin has a reputation as being a stern taskmaster when it comes to demanding higher ratings, tighter budgets and meeting profit targets. One effective way to reach those goals has been to exploit fully such assets as Howard Stern, MTV, Comedy Channel, Spike TV, Spelling TV, Paramount Pictures and the Viacom Outdoor billboard concern, all of which have been known to use sex to deliver a message.

This is an election year, and conservative politicians are holding all the aces in this game. If anyone thinks Karmazin is going to get up before the subcommittee and do anything but agree that some of his children have been very, very naughty – but he’ll be happy to spank them himself, thanks very much -- there’s a bridge in New York with a for-sale sign on it. Way too much is at stake for the Viacom boss to wonder out loud if the lawmakers might not have something better to do with their time.

Although it might be a stretch of credulity, he could even attempt to defend his various subsidiaries’ right to profit from Victoria’s Secret fashion shows in prime time, topless corpses on CSI, the stapling of genitals on Jackass, Crank Yankers, Tori Spelling’s acting career, outdoor ads for escort services on I-15 and The Lesbian Dating Game. It wouldn’t fly any further with liberal members of the committee, than conservatives, but this Congress seems to be ready to buckle on limits designed to keep Big Media in check, and it just could be worth his effort. The most serious issue involving the media right now isn’t obscenity, it’s the conglomerization of radio, television, the Internet and newspapers. And, that’s a battle consuming can’t win.

Where, for example, were the FCC and Upton’s committee when America’s giant radio chains decided to boycott records by the Dixie Chicks, and blacklisted dozens of popular songs that only a total moron could consider to be unpatriotic?

So, who does one root for in this particular dogfight? Politicians, who want to protect us from peek-a-boo nudity and naughty words, and make some political hay while they’re doing it; or, CBS and the other greed fiends that control the publicly owned airwaves. Even if FCC chairman Michael Powell had acted upon his initial instinct, and revoked CBS’ broadcast license after seeing the tippy-top of Ms. Jackson’s nipple, who would he have given it to … Rush Limbaugh? Certainly not Walter Cronkite.

Whenever media moguls go before Congress, they tend to look every bit as honest and innocent as the tobacco tycoons who, to a man, denied before the same committees that cigarettes cause cancer. And, their willingness to kiss ass to avoid a fight has led to any number of encroachments on creative freedom. Every time the studios, record labels and manufacturers of video games are pressed, their efforts to placate Congress invariably have a more negative impact on the creators of independent and foreign entertainments than those produced by studio hacks. The NC-17, M and AC ratings, for example, have done more to discourage the release of challenging adult-oriented fare than the success of all three American Pies put together.

In the wake of Ms. Jackson’s bodice-ripping performance, the media has tripped all over itself to suggest new ways to ensure such an event won’t ever re-occur, and prevent such fiends as Shaq, Bono and Nicole Richie from accidentally uttering the f-word on national TV. A five-minute delay on all video feeds from live productions was suggested, as if the traditional three seconds weren’t nearly enough to discern an exposed breast or cuss word. NBC, the network responsible for Celebrity Fear Factor and primetime Donald Trump, declared a pre-emptive strike on a pair of octogenarian boobies on ER. MTV agreed to move certain sexy music videos into the wee hours, as if VCRs, TiVo and other recording devices had yet to be invented.

No, it’s both too late and too early for common sense to prevail. Any meaningful dialogue will have to wait until after Election Day, and, by then, it might already be too late. Flush from a likely victory on the indecent language, no one should be surprised if legislators abruptly shift the political battleground to the area of adult material on premium cable- and satellite-television systems and satellite radio. The whims of network affiliates in the Bible Belt will determine what’s shown in New York and San Francisco … first ER, than Will and Grace.

Instead of drawing a line in the sand against this new sexual blacklist, easily cowed television and radio executives voluntarily will do the dirty work for the politicians. Four more years of Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft will ensure the creation of a media version of the Patriot Act.

Already, conservative strategists are trying to make John Kerry squirm over a Massachusetts court’s recent opinion on the legality of gay marriage. Once he’s attacked under the guise of that Trojan horse, any substantial debate between the presidential candidates over the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq will be futile (especially if, as expected, the president pulls Osama Bin Laden out of the closet in which he’s been stashed since being secretly apprehended by Delta Force ninjas).

European television viewers probably wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow over the Super Bowl show. Still, I’m perfectly willing to wait for breasts to arrive in my living room the old-fashioned way: on premium cable. On the other hand, I’m all for the FCC doing something about the commercial in which a beautiful young woman uses a tampon to fix a leaky rowboat.

That’s where this 54-year-old white male draws the line.

In the meantime, wouldn’t it be great if all of the various Jacksons – along with Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Scott Peterson -- took up residence in a spider hole on the Neverland Ranch, and kept out of the public eye for the next 10 months? Fat chance of that happening. CNN wouldn’t allow it.

- by Gary Dretzka

February 10, 2004


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