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David Poland

By David Poland poland@moviecitynews.com

Knocking Up Pee Wee

Apatow developing Pee-wee Herman pic
Pee-Wee has finally gotten into high school. He is mocked by the other kids because of his relentlessly upbeat personality and his need to shave 4 times a day to avoid the appearance of a beard.
When the sweet, shy girl who sits two seats away from him (Jessica Alba) drops her books, Pee-Wee helps. He tells her about his new bike. She tells him about her new bong. Thinking that this “bong” is some kind of bike horn, he agrees to come see it.
When he arrives, the house is full of smoke and stoned friends. It turns out that she is an emancipated minor who made a bundle as a a commercial actress when she was between 6 and 8. Pee-Wee, refusing to smoke, gets a contact high within minutes. Before you know it, Shy Girl has his pants off, is impressed by his surprisingly John Holmes-like male member, and ends up smashing his head against the headboard of her bed as she takes advantage of him and he imagines various talking animals floating above, telling him it’s going to be okay.
The next morning, he wakes up in his bed, pajama tops on, but no bottoms.
Cut to month later… Shy Girl has news. She’s pregnant and it’s Pee-Wee’s. He isn’t sure what she is talking about. But Jamby and Mappy know.
They go to the OB, where Pee Wee sees Shy Girl’s vagina out fo the corner of his eye and passes out.
From then on, he is more careful to focus on the monitors and things go surprisingly well… until he finds out that he has cancer.
With just weeks to live, he decides he needs to go find EG Daily and figure out where it went wrong for them. She was the one who really loved him… and his bike.
It turns out that EG is now played by Leslie Mann and is married to a newly thin Seth Rogan, who is a pot dealer in Santa Fe. Pee Wee eventually surprises her with his unexpected manhood. But it turns out she is cheating on her husband with a few other guys… one representing her lost sexual side (James Franco), one representing her dream of being a poet (a fully naked Jason Segal), another biker guy who is married to an Oscar winner (Jesse James), and Pee-Wee, who represents the lost bike years.
Pee Wee goes back home and faces the now about-to-give-birth Shy Girl. She has decided on a natural birth with no drugs, but her delivery room is filled with pot smoke, easing her pain. When the baby comes out, he’s wearing a bow tie… and a head full of extremely curly hair. A knowing wink from Jonah Hill sets up a sequel.
End credits over Pee Wee trying to change his first diaper. Feces and urine fly… hilarity ensues.
The End.

8 Responses to “Knocking Up Pee Wee”

  1. mysteryperfecta says:

    Geez, spoiler alert, DP!

  2. The Big Perm says:

    This is awesome news.

  3. Hallick says:

    From the Variety article:
    “Let’s face it, the world needs more Pee-wee Herman,” Apatow told Daily Variety. “I am so excited to be working with Paul Reubens — who is an extraordinary and ground-breaking actor and writer. It’s so great to watch him return with such relevance.”
    He’s hardly the first person to do this, but when people like Apatow either say or write sentences like the above, do they realize how impersonal and dessicated their feelings actually come off? I mean, is it just the way it’s written or do they actually speak in this formal/obsequious tone of a press release?
    I guess it would read more naturally like, “I,am, SO EXCITED to be working with Paul Reubens”; or he could have even gone with a plain, “I’m so excited to be working with Paul Reubens!”, which at least reads the way somebody might verbalize their extreme excitement over working with one of their idols.
    You cannot end a sentence containing the words “I am so excited” with a fucking ritalin-guided period of all things. Even The Pointer Sisters knew that (oops, wait, nevermind – apparently they didn’t know that. No wonder I hate that song…).

  4. christian says:

    Awesome. Seeing the revamped Pee Wee Herman show was a wonderful experience and Reubens deserves this renewal.

  5. BrandonS says:

    Hell. Yes.

  6. Cadavra says:

    David: You think you’re joking!

  7. Chucky in Jersey says:

    Judd Apatow movies … for those who like to beat their meat.

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