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David Poland

By David Poland

BYOB Monday

Has this been the most oddly-busy-with-real-news end of August in movie news history?
Wandering LA, especially with the heat, is like wandering through a Quaalude sundae. Yet, there is a lot of stuff happening – including a more-active-than-usual Toronto prep – that isn’t just people dumping news, movies, staff, etc.

46 Responses to “BYOB Monday”

  1. bulldog68 says:

    First Hillary, now Avatar. I thought this was funny.

  2. martin says:

    It’s like a standup telling a joke, then telling the same joke over and over again for the rest of his set with slightly different intonations. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

  3. Wrecktum says:

    Have you seen that crazy keyboard cat? How about that Star Wars kid? Pretty funny stuff! What about that 9/11 tourist guy? I laughed till I cried.

  4. christian says:

    LOL Catz!

  5. Joe Leydon says:

    Something I posted back in 2005:
    “A few years ago, I interviewed the great German actor Armin Mueller-Stahl after he’d starred in (and directed)Conversation with the Beast, in which he played (no, I’m not making this up) a 103-year-old Adolf Hitler. He said, more in sorrow than in jest, he thought that, within another 50 years or so, people would be thinking of Hitler the same way we today think of someone like Atilla the Hun or Genghis Kahn. In other words, like some vaguely understood, all-purpose bogeyman. Future generations might appreciate he was a bad guy, but the precise nature of his evil will be forgotten, or at least not widely known. I can’t say I disagreed with Mueller-Stahl.”
    Now, I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t laughed at any of these Downfall video gags on YouTube and elsewhere. This one actually is funnier than some others I’ve seen. But I find myself wondering: Maybe it won’t take 50 years…
    On the other hand: Maybe they screen things like this for Hitler in hell, to make him suffer even more. If so, then, hey, bring ’em on.

  6. djk813 says:

    “It’s like a standup telling a joke, then telling the same joke over and over again for the rest of his set with slightly different intonations. Zzzzzzzzzzz.”
    What do you call your act?
    The Aristocrats!
    (Though I agree. Can’t anyone at least find another scene from another foreign film to do this with at this point?)

  7. scooterzz says:

    poland on aots live as i type…. pretty funny take on disney/marvel….

  8. bulldog68 says:

    Another random thought: Was there some numerical significance to it being 2009 in movies this year? District 9, 9, Nine. Is there no remake of 10 on the horizon for next year? I know Joe’s affinity for some of these MILFs. Who’d you put in a remake Joe? And by the way Joe, just wondering who you think is the sexiest actress over 50?

  9. LexG says:

    Sexy actress over 50? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
    18-24 are The Hot Years. That said, “10” is an excellent movie, and for some inexplicable reason (I was barely a teenager) back in the day I used to be a huge fan of all Blake Edwards’ thinly-veiled “Middle Aged Hollywood Rich Guy Has a Midlife Crisis and Cheats on His Wife In Malibu” movies.
    The world is a poorer place for Julie Andrews never having made a comeback movie, like feuding rappers do, called FRYING PAN, in which a beloved female British Movie Star gets sick and fucking tired of her awesome director husband ogling young chicks and making movies about the joys of cheating and the thrill of blowing off the wife to down shots with Robert Webber.

  10. Joe Leydon says:

    Actally, I think someone really is planning to do a remake of 10. But I don’t think they would cast a MILF — more like just an ILF — in the title role. Hottest babe over 50? Where can I begin? Helen Mirren… Sigourney Weaver… Holly Hunter… Angela Bassett… Susan Sarandon… Diane Keaton… Bebe Neuwirth… Whoever’s on the cover of More magazine this month…

  11. bulldog68 says:

    Maybe they could do a flick about a middle aged overweight supermodel obsessed white guy who spends his nights jerking off to cardboard cutouts, until one day in a whole meet cute scene, he is mistaken for a movie set security guard, and gets the shit fucked out of him in a vicious three way by an angry Susan Sarandon and Sigourney Weaver, and afterward, damaged so badly by this encounter, he goes on a killing spree, killing only women under the age of 24, because somewhere in his twisted psyche he realizes that they have absolutely nothing to offer. Just a thought Lexg. I’m gifting you this screenplay. Start typing.

  12. LexG says:

    That was unpleasant.
    Also: I’m not middle-aged.

  13. martin says:

    I could see them remaking 10 with Megan Fox.

  14. Joe Leydon says:

    Well, LexG, middle-aged is a relative term, right? I mean, I have been referred to as middle-aged — but, hell, I’m 57. The only way I could be middle-aged would be if I live to be 114.

  15. bulldog68 says:

    If you’re a day over 35, in this generations eyes, you’re middle-aged Lexg. Deal with it.

  16. LexG says:

    “I could see them remaking 10 with Megan Fox.”
    GOOD IDEA. Scratch that: GREAT IDEA.
    To the powers that be, it’s been said that I have a real DUDLEY MOORE QUALITY. Keep that in mind.
    Also, they should remake A FINE MESS but instead of the WORLD CLASS COMIC TEAM of DANSON AND MANDEL, they should make it like DANE COOK and JEREMY PIVEN. GOOD IDEA.

  17. bulldog68 says:

    Also, don’t I get an award or something. Someone actually said something that Lexg finds unpleasant.

  18. David Poland says:

    If I get a slot with Megan Fox in Toronto, I will think to myself, WWLA?

  19. Joe Leydon says:

    I’m trying to imagine Mrs. David reading this thread… asking her husband, “You want to get a WHAT with Megan Fox?” Hope the living room couch is a convertrible.

  20. LexG says:

    If I was in a remake of 10 with Megan Fox it would be more like “5 and a quarter” if you know what I mean.

  21. Joe Leydon says:

    Only 5 and a quarter, eh? That explains a lot…
    (Sorry, Lex, couldn’t resist. I’m a bad person.)

  22. martin says:

    Joe I think Lex is referring to seconds not inches.

  23. Joe Leydon says:

    Martin, I’m a bad person, but you’re worse. And, mind you, I mean that as a compliment.

  24. christian says:

    “they should make it like DANE COOK and JEREMY PIVEN.”
    And throw in Franco and Ciccio while you’re at it.

  25. scooterzz says:

    michelle pfeiffer…jus’ sayin’……

  26. martin says:

    I’ll add on Julianne Moore, that blonde chick from Truman Show, most of the Desperate Housewives, and if I was really desperate Raquel Welch looks pretty good these days.

  27. movielocke says:

    So how much money will Harvey Weinstein pay for a number two vote? For a number three vote? Will he pay out for a number four vote, or just for two and three votes? Which studios or dependents are likely to outbid Weinstein’s going rate for two, three and four votes?
    This new ranking rule is going to result in so much graft it’s going to be absolutely amazing. the major papers should be appointing investigative reporters right now to try to follow and expose the graft as it happens.
    good times, good times, the oscar race just became more entertaining. Biggest petty cash reserve, FTW!

  28. bulldog68 says:

    For some reason I didn’t see Julianne Moore as an older woman, so I looked her up on IMDB. She’s 49. Man she looks good for her age. I remember her standing in all her glory in SHORT CUTS, working that iron, heating things up. She would have been about 33 at the time, but I’m sure she’s still got it. It seems that the more established actresses are more open to showing some skin these days. Diane Keaton, Kate Winslet, even Kathy Bates. (The last one I could have done without.)

  29. Cadavra says:

    “And throw in Franco and Ciccio while you’re at it.”
    Christian, you really think Lex has a clue who they are?

  30. Blackcloud says:

    Sorry, Lex, but the Bible says you are middle-aged. To be specific, Psalm 90:10. That’s what Dante had in mind when he wrote the immortal opening words of Inferno, “Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita . . .” And that, more or less, is where the idea of being middle-aged comes from. So don’t feel bad if someone says you’re middle-aged because you’re 36. It’s literally true. Whether it’s figuratively true, on the other hand, is entirely up to you.

  31. LexG says:

    I’m a man so MIDDLE-AGED it like 60.
    For women MIDDLE-AGED is 35.

  32. LexG says:

    Also: I watched TYSON tonight and it was FUCKING AWESOME, and the best shit ever is when Tyson FUCKING UNLOADS on that white dork who talks shit.
    That shit inspired me, as did when Tyson said if you step up, he’s going to come at you with the FUCKING THUNDER. Which is why from here out, any and every fucking time Jeff McDouchebag or that no-talent hayseed broom-closet projector-fixer Bitch Douche come at me, I’m gonna respond ten thousand fold til they either shut the fuck up or apologize.
    Every stupid fucking comment aimed at me gets a full fucking response, and if Poland doesn’t like it, he has to suspend Bitch Pussy the D.C. Wonder and his superfan McDouche.

  33. LexG says:

    I just took down every single YouTube video of myself!
    All the fans can thank Bitch Perm, whoever he is (no one that matters) and Jeff McMahon of Los Angeles, California.
    Thanks for killing a career before it started, but congrats on the victory, fellas!
    I also turned down a generous offer from Poland to spare Bitch Perm (whoever he is) and Jeff McMahon, Editor Extraordinaire, from ever having to see my fat, ugly, unfunny ass ever again.
    I had no hard copies, so it’s all gone, folks!

  34. LYT says:

    Wow. BAD IDEA.
    Should be rubbing it in the haters’ faces…at least I would.
    But as Obi-Wan said, albeit semi-sarcastically: You must do what you feel is right, of course.

  35. LexG says:

    That’s okay, Lou, because tomorrow I might be DELETING MYSELF from THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET.
    But my last wish is for Poland or someone here to email me Big Perm’s credit list or identity.

  36. christian says:

    “And throw in Franco and Ciccio while you’re at it.”
    “Christian, you really think Lex has a clue who they are?”
    Nah, I just love bringing them into a topic whenever I can. But the comedic results would be exactly the same.

  37. LexG says:

    I’m listening to NOTHING COMPARES TO U and about to begin my new career as a CUTTER.
    Maybe I can go to a CUTTER SUPPORT GROUP and pick up some hot 19-year-old chick in skinny jeans.

  38. LexG says:

    Hey McDouche you look like fucking EDDIE DEEZEN on your shitty movie’s worthless website.
    But at least you have a site. Someone hit me up with a link to Big Perm’s D.C.-based Audio/Video Department. D.C. IS HIS BITCH!
    Wondering if either of you douchewads are more or less suave than this nasty picture of Kamiqueenie and his twinkly eyes grossly eating a hot dog I found on Twitter.

  39. Lex, if you think middle age is 60 tthen you’re still middle age. being an alcoholic adds decades to you, man.

  40. yancyskancy says:

    On a more mundane note, on the MCN home page, the link to the Jason Reitman story mistakenly gives the title of his film UP IN THE AIR as INTO THE AIR.
    For the 10 remake, I vote Teresa Palmer. No cornrows though.
    Sexy over 50: I think Kathleen Quinlan is holding up pretty well.

  41. The Big Perm says:

    So Lex, bringing the thunder down on me is deleting all of your work? Don’t blame me for that shit, I wouldn’t have suggested you do that. If you have fans that like your stuff, what would you care what I say? I’m sure an actress over 35 wouldn’t stop working because you call them over the hill.
    And don’t forget, I was ignoring you until you called me out. Then I had to bring the thunder.

  42. jeffmcm says:

    This was unexpected, but it’s also getting pathological. I mean, can anyone out there honestly argue that Lex isn’t a self-obsessed, self-destructive, seriously emotionally damaged person intent on spreading his illness to as many people as possible? Maybe it was funny for a while, not anymore.
    And now it makes sense that trying to do stand-up didn’t work. I bet that at the first heckler he ran offstage and shredded his notebooks.

  43. jeffmcm says:

    Just for the record, I have no problem with people being self-obsessed or self-destructive. It’s the insisting parading of it in public to strangers (and the attempt to drag them down) that I find obnoxious.

  44. LexG says:

    Fuckin’ place is dead as dead tonight.
    Christ, I’m all lit the fuck up and down to talk about movies but nobody’s on. Anyone just see Piven on Letterman followed by KUNIS on Conan? I don’t know which had me more excited. BOO YEAH.
    Man I wish I had a prostitute tonight, but mostly I just want to E– a chick’s A or P, and I don’t think that’s advisable with a pro.
    Less’n you’re packing THE WRAP. IF you know what I mean. YEP YEP. DENTAL DAM 4 LIFE.

  45. Okay folks, I have a crazy, ridiculous and (as yet unconfirmed) disasterous rumour that has spread like a wildfire throughout the only Aussie cinephile community.
    It is this:
    Village Roadshow, the biggest and most prominant film distributor here in Australia have withdrawn Kathryn Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker from its October 22 release and are now sending it DIRECT-TO-DVD!(!!! – because one exclamation point doesn’t do it justice).
    Oh, but OMGYAY they finally gave The freakin’ Brothers Bloom a November release. Well fuckin’ done Village Roadshow. Just another reason to root for Bigelow and this film.

Quote Unquotesee all »

This is probably going to sound petty, but Martin Scorsese insisting that critics see his film in theaters even though it’s going straight to Netflix and then not screening it in most American cities was a watershed moment for me in this theatrical versus streaming debate.

I completely respect when a filmmaker insists that their movie is meant to be seen in the theater, but the thing is, you got to actually make it possible to see it in the theater. Some movies may be too small for that, and that’s totally OK.

When your movie is largely financed by a streaming service and is going to appear on that streaming service instantly, I don’t really see the point of pretending that it’s a theatrical film. It just seems like we are needlessly indulging some kind of personal fantasy.

I don’t think that making a feature film length production that is going to go straight to a video platform is some sort of “step down.“ I really don’t. Theatrical exhibition as we know it is dying off anyway, for a variety of reasons.

I should clarify myself because this thread is already being misconstrued — I’m talking about how the movie is screened in advance. If it’s going straight to Netflix, why the ritual of demanding people see it in the theater?

There used to be a category that everyone recognized called “TV movie” or “made for television movie” and even though a lot of filmmakers considered that déclassé, it seems to me that probably 90% of feature films fit that description now.

Atlantis has mostly sunk into the ocean, only a few tower spires remain above the waterline, and I’m increasingly at peace with that, because it seems to be what the industry and much of the audience wants. We live in an age of convenience and information control.

Only a very elite group of filmmakers is still allowed to make movies “for theaters“ and actually have them seen and judged that way on a wide scale. Even platform releasing seems to be somewhat endangered. It can’t be fought. It has to be accepted.

9. Addendum: I’ve been informed that it wasn’t Scorsese who requested that the Bob Dylan documentary only be screened for critics in theaters, but a Netflix representative indicated the opposite to me, so I just don’t know what to believe.

It’s actually OK if your film is not eligible for an Oscar — we have a thing called the Emmys. A lot of this anxiety is just a holdover from the days when television was considered culturally inferior to theatrical feature films. Everybody needs to just get over it.

In another 10 to 20 years they’re probably going to merge the Emmys in the Oscars into one program anyway, maybe they’ll call it the Contentys.

“One of the fun things about seeing the new Quentin Tarantino film three months early in Cannes (did I mention this?) is that I know exactly why it’s going to make some people furious, and thus I have time to steel myself for the takes.

Back in July 2017, when it was revealed that Tarantino’s next project was connected to the Manson Family murders, it was condemned in some quarters as an insulting and exploitative stunt. We usually require at least a fig-leaf of compassion for the victims in true-crime adaptations, and even Tarantino partisans like myself – I don’t think he’s made a bad film yet – found ourselves wondering how he might square his more outré stylistic impulses with the depiction of a real mass murder in which five people and one unborn child lost their lives.

After all, it’s one thing to slice off with gusto a fictional policeman’s ear; it’s quite another to linger over the gory details of a massacre that took place within living memory, and which still carries a dread historical significance.

In her essay The White Album, Joan Didion wrote: “Many people I know in Los Angeles believe that the Sixties ended abruptly on August 9, 1969, ended at the exact moment when word of the murders on Cielo Drive traveled like brushfire through the community, and in a sense this is true.”

Early in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, as Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt’s characters drive up the hill towards Leo’s bachelor pad, the camera cranes up gently to reveal a street sign: Cielo Drive. Tarantino understands how charged that name is; he can hear the Molotov cocktails clinking as he shoulders the crate.

As you may have read in the reviews from Cannes, much of the film is taken up with following DiCaprio and Pitt’s characters – a fading TV actor and his long-serving stunt double – as they amusingly go about their lives in Los Angeles, while Margot Robbie’s Sharon Tate is a relatively minor presence. But the spectre of the murders is just over the horizon, and when the night of the 9th finally arrives, you feel the mood in the cinema shift.

No spoilers whatsoever about what transpires on screen. But in the audience, as it became clear how Tarantino was going to handle this extraordinarily loaded moment, the room soured and split, like a pan of cream left too long on the hob. I craned in, amazed, but felt the person beside me recoil in either dismay or disgust.

Two weeks on, I’m convinced that the scene is the boldest and most graphically violent of Tarantino’s career – I had to shield my eyes at one point, found myself involuntarily groaning “oh no” at another – and a dead cert for the most controversial. People will be outraged by it, and with good reason. But in a strange and brilliant way, it takes Didion’s death-of-the-Sixties observation and pushes it through a hellfire-hot catharsis.

Hollywood summoned up this horror, the film seems to be saying, and now it’s Hollywood’s turn to exorcise it. I can’t wait until the release in August, when we can finally talk about why.

~ Robbie Collin