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David Poland

By David Poland

Bat Haiku

You know, I love it when a commenter has a stroke of genius… or in some cases, just a stroke.
But seriously, folks…
The idea of the BAT HAIKU came up and, heck, why not give it a try?
Nolan up to Bat
So much more than a comic
But a comic still

The Joker is cool
Makes The Batman just a mouse
Dent’s teeth feel the breeze

Your turn…
And yes, there will be a prize. (We’ll figure out what it is in time.)

59 Responses to “Bat Haiku”

  1. Baudolino says:

    The Bat Rules Oh-Eight
    But Titanic It Is Not
    Who Cares, Lex says OWNS

  2. SJRubinstein says:

    Batman pounds his fist
    Gordon feels of fragile grace
    Dent is lost to them

  3. a1amoeba says:

    fist fights, explosions
    spectacular car chases
    what is not to like?
    Pricy tickets sure
    But six bucks for soda, please!!!
    Next time bring a flask
    Maggie G is hot
    No collagen or implants
    Wish I could quit you…
    Despite a weak plot
    Imax made the film worthwhile
    Ledger stole the show
    Dent needs a skin graft
    Batman needs a throat lozenge
    Nolan needs a raise.

  4. scooterzz says:

    The Bat takes much cash
    In a down economy
    Warner Brothers laughs
    Titanic still rules
    Over The Dark Knight’s attempt
    And IO goes nuts

  5. IOIOIOI says:

    Scoot is a Japanese Girl
    He enjoys Hello Kitty
    as Titanic rots in hell.

  6. IOIOIOI says:

    Not to impune his character
    but I own a Sailor Moon figure
    won her in a trade.

  7. Noah says:

    Stepbrothers and The X-Files:
    I Want to Believe?
    I Believe in Harvey Dent!

  8. Noah says:

    yeesh, there should be no “the” above

  9. yancyskancy says:

    Haiku has some rules
    Know them or don’t “play”
    Not Batman related, but I couldn’t resist. :)

  10. Lota says:

    thanks Dave. I’ll work on some as soon as I make my deadline. I hope a night with Javier Bardem is one of the prizes.

  11. LYT says:

    Da na na na na
    na na na na na na na
    na na na BATMAN!

  12. LYT says:

    In honor of the talk radio I heard yesterday…
    Is Batman George Bush?
    Larry Elder sure thinks so.
    Shut up and enjoy.

  13. Joe Leydon says:

    Alfred remains loyal
    Protects Batman from bad news
    Michael Caine is God

  14. leahnz says:

    would it be fitting to do a brief rundown of haiku etiquette for those who might wish to participate but aren’t into poetry? (i hope so cause i’m gonna):
    three lines,
    5 syllables
    7 syllables
    5 syllables
    i want to do a beautiful haiku, but cynical haiku came to me instead:
    behold the dark knight
    soars as warner bros. laughs all
    the way to the bank

  15. Mr. Muckle says:

    I haven’t seen it.
    Just not in the mood, I guess.
    Bailed on X-Files, too.

  16. MattMcD says:

    Batman covers his.
    The Joker uses makeup.
    Harvey’s is revealed.

  17. mutinyco says:

    Batman in the end
    Becomes just like Bokonon
    Vonnegut better

  18. leahnz says:

    black bat fights the dark
    joker’s mind is melted like
    the paint on his face

  19. LexG says:

    Tiny Lister owns
    Katie Holmes is the hotness
    Catwoman too weak
    Nolan owns your ass
    Sound design modeled on Heat
    Michael Jai White back
    J M C is douche
    But IO is comic gold
    And you should not play
    Eckhart back in form
    No “she looks like that dead girl”
    Fuck, that movie sucked
    Hong Kong sequence cool
    Haterz just don’t know their shit
    Hard PG-13
    Vans and parking lots
    Clearly modeled after HEAT
    Critics don’t notice
    2.35 to 1
    Is best aspect ratio
    Films shot flat don’t count
    Batman clearly Bush
    Movie says Bush says Bush justified
    Third term would be cool
    Odd that Batman hit
    Since nothing comic ’bout it
    Relentless crime flick

  20. Crow T Robot says:

    jason bateman is
    arrested development
    batman fans are too

  21. mutinyco says:

    Batman in Imax
    Large format makes picture clear
    Plot still makes no sense

  22. Cadavra says:

    The Bat Dude is hot
    But just for today. Next year:
    Lost Skeleton Rules!

  23. sloanish says:

    Love the first two Bats
    Too bad three will blow like The
    Bat Ultimatum

  24. Chris can’t quit the bat
    There ain’t no reins on Ledger
    Eckhart will be back

  25. Lota says:

    The joker twitches
    Now Laugh mthrfckr laugh
    Why so serious
    The scarecrow is gas
    Of mental horrors untold
    Exile Ireland
    Bat somber heart beats
    Love not as deep as courage
    Take back the good night
    Gotham is batty
    Tiny lister is ratty
    Girlfriend bites the dust
    Bats over gotham
    Yankees can burn in hell, please
    Mets in first place now
    Madge is a yankee
    A-rod has lost it big time
    wife will sue his ass

  26. THX5334 says:

    So far Lota wins.

  27. L.B. says:

    You mean besides our hearts?

  28. Reginald_Applegravy says:

    A heatwave blast
    through worldly theaters
    black sweeps up the green

  29. hcat says:

    No Prince No Carrey
    no flashing lights no nipples
    that is how its done
    Finnally found groove
    after six times at the Bat
    Grand Slam Homerun hit
    Prayers for the next
    Have Nolan placing Mirren
    In catwoman suit

  30. Reginald_Applegravy says:

    Constipation at box-office
    This town needs an enema
    Indy flushed away

  31. Reginald_Applegravy says:

    Brutal so dark
    An assault of the senses
    As well as Bales family

  32. Rob says:

    Sad that they did that
    To Aaron Eckhart

  33. Reginald_Applegravy says:

    Oh which Knight to choose
    Dark or Tale
    One has Queen but the other has Bale
    Sorry, that ended up being a rhyme!!

  34. Reginald_Applegravy says:

    Bat feeling throaty
    James Earl Jones or Barry White
    Or too many smokes

  35. hcat says:

    Gut churning ballet
    Set to two note symphony
    Holds me to my seat
    Child to young to see
    Avoid the question

  36. repeatfather says:

    Who doth the bat hit
    hardest? he of endless grins
    or his momsy?

  37. repeatfather says:

    oops just realized I miscounted:
    Who doth the bat hit
    hardest? he of endless grins
    or the momsy Bale?

  38. hcat says:

    There once was a man named bats
    Who defends when the joker attacks
    He brings the smoke and the noise
    With his wonderful toys
    But Dent still gets mentally cracked
    (sorry, wrong thread)

  39. hcat says:

    Leaves childhood sweetheart
    Spends nights seeking out, pouncing
    flamboyant man, hmmmmm

  40. David Poland says:

    Big hits clear the muck
    Jeff Robinov gets one right
    Broken clock right twice

  41. TadAllagash says:

    Christopher Nolan
    Along with Ledger and Bale
    Gave the Franchise Life

  42. BrandonS says:

    Nolan owes me Hanes
    Made me soil my britches twice
    Back for fear; front – joy

  43. adorian says:

    Ledger is haunting.
    He steals the entire movie.
    So much Oscar buzz.

  44. Lota says:

    A flip of the coin
    I have two faces, two sides
    both lives disfigured
    I love fine jewels
    I steal them and tempt batman
    he loves me always
    gotham is darkness
    crime feeds the vigilante
    and saves the hero
    joker runs amok
    Did werner herzog film this?
    self destructing fiend

  45. Discman says:

    Ledger wins Oscar
    A sequel is on the way
    Does this make you sad?

  46. sloanish says:

    Bats falls eighty floors
    Harvey’s still in the closet
    where’d The Joker go?

  47. mutinyco says:

    Thread convoluted
    Just like overrated flick
    End misery please

  48. BrandonS says:

    Like deepening knives
    One building, piercing note score
    Best strings work since Jaws?
    Indy disappoints?
    Wall-E good, not fantastic?
    Send in the clown, bitch
    Titanic dollars?
    This ain’t no four-quadrant film
    My mom hated it
    Creepiest request
    in geek dress-up sex play now:
    “You be Joker Nurse”

  49. mutinyco says:

    Not best strings since Jaws
    Strings ripped off from The Shining
    Nolan no Kubrick

  50. BrandonS says:

    Last I saw Shining
    I was thirteen. Remember
    only naked chick.

  51. mutinyco says:

    Naked chick was hot
    But turned into an old hag
    Jack good but jack not

  52. BrandonS says:

    VCR exists
    To pause when pause is needed
    Mission accomplished

  53. mutinyco says:

    VCR is old
    DVD sixteen by nine
    Play with us Danny

  54. Jeffrey Boam's Doctor says:


  55. BrandonS says:

    I was thirteen, dude
    VCR was all we had
    Are we off-topic?

  56. David Poland says:

    Perhaps a bit too nervous
    Yet oddly funny

  57. frankbooth says:

    candy colored clown
    they call the Joker tiptoes
    to my room every —

  58. dietcock says:

    forgot the whole thing
    five minutes after watching
    just like “Memento”
    struggling, wracking brain
    to find one nice thing to say:
    Thank God for Deebo!

  59. Lota says:

    last bat haiku…
    The Gotham Joker
    a permanent smile is carved
    on The Man who Laughs
    Is Bruce Wayne a bat?
    gooble, gobble one of us
    isolated freak

The Hot Blog

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This is probably going to sound petty, but Martin Scorsese insisting that critics see his film in theaters even though it’s going straight to Netflix and then not screening it in most American cities was a watershed moment for me in this theatrical versus streaming debate.

I completely respect when a filmmaker insists that their movie is meant to be seen in the theater, but the thing is, you got to actually make it possible to see it in the theater. Some movies may be too small for that, and that’s totally OK.

When your movie is largely financed by a streaming service and is going to appear on that streaming service instantly, I don’t really see the point of pretending that it’s a theatrical film. It just seems like we are needlessly indulging some kind of personal fantasy.

I don’t think that making a feature film length production that is going to go straight to a video platform is some sort of “step down.“ I really don’t. Theatrical exhibition as we know it is dying off anyway, for a variety of reasons.

I should clarify myself because this thread is already being misconstrued — I’m talking about how the movie is screened in advance. If it’s going straight to Netflix, why the ritual of demanding people see it in the theater?

There used to be a category that everyone recognized called “TV movie” or “made for television movie” and even though a lot of filmmakers considered that déclassé, it seems to me that probably 90% of feature films fit that description now.

Atlantis has mostly sunk into the ocean, only a few tower spires remain above the waterline, and I’m increasingly at peace with that, because it seems to be what the industry and much of the audience wants. We live in an age of convenience and information control.

Only a very elite group of filmmakers is still allowed to make movies “for theaters“ and actually have them seen and judged that way on a wide scale. Even platform releasing seems to be somewhat endangered. It can’t be fought. It has to be accepted.

9. Addendum: I’ve been informed that it wasn’t Scorsese who requested that the Bob Dylan documentary only be screened for critics in theaters, but a Netflix representative indicated the opposite to me, so I just don’t know what to believe.

It’s actually OK if your film is not eligible for an Oscar — we have a thing called the Emmys. A lot of this anxiety is just a holdover from the days when television was considered culturally inferior to theatrical feature films. Everybody needs to just get over it.

In another 10 to 20 years they’re probably going to merge the Emmys in the Oscars into one program anyway, maybe they’ll call it the Contentys.

“One of the fun things about seeing the new Quentin Tarantino film three months early in Cannes (did I mention this?) is that I know exactly why it’s going to make some people furious, and thus I have time to steel myself for the takes.

Back in July 2017, when it was revealed that Tarantino’s next project was connected to the Manson Family murders, it was condemned in some quarters as an insulting and exploitative stunt. We usually require at least a fig-leaf of compassion for the victims in true-crime adaptations, and even Tarantino partisans like myself – I don’t think he’s made a bad film yet – found ourselves wondering how he might square his more outré stylistic impulses with the depiction of a real mass murder in which five people and one unborn child lost their lives.

After all, it’s one thing to slice off with gusto a fictional policeman’s ear; it’s quite another to linger over the gory details of a massacre that took place within living memory, and which still carries a dread historical significance.

In her essay The White Album, Joan Didion wrote: “Many people I know in Los Angeles believe that the Sixties ended abruptly on August 9, 1969, ended at the exact moment when word of the murders on Cielo Drive traveled like brushfire through the community, and in a sense this is true.”

Early in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, as Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt’s characters drive up the hill towards Leo’s bachelor pad, the camera cranes up gently to reveal a street sign: Cielo Drive. Tarantino understands how charged that name is; he can hear the Molotov cocktails clinking as he shoulders the crate.

As you may have read in the reviews from Cannes, much of the film is taken up with following DiCaprio and Pitt’s characters – a fading TV actor and his long-serving stunt double – as they amusingly go about their lives in Los Angeles, while Margot Robbie’s Sharon Tate is a relatively minor presence. But the spectre of the murders is just over the horizon, and when the night of the 9th finally arrives, you feel the mood in the cinema shift.

No spoilers whatsoever about what transpires on screen. But in the audience, as it became clear how Tarantino was going to handle this extraordinarily loaded moment, the room soured and split, like a pan of cream left too long on the hob. I craned in, amazed, but felt the person beside me recoil in either dismay or disgust.

Two weeks on, I’m convinced that the scene is the boldest and most graphically violent of Tarantino’s career – I had to shield my eyes at one point, found myself involuntarily groaning “oh no” at another – and a dead cert for the most controversial. People will be outraged by it, and with good reason. But in a strange and brilliant way, it takes Didion’s death-of-the-Sixties observation and pushes it through a hellfire-hot catharsis.

Hollywood summoned up this horror, the film seems to be saying, and now it’s Hollywood’s turn to exorcise it. I can’t wait until the release in August, when we can finally talk about why.

~ Robbie Collin